March 15th, 2016

Good Afternoon, and Congratulations!

You have been selected to play for the prestigious TEAM BELUGA softball team. The Belugas have a long history of poor play, heavy drinking, and sometimes softball. For those interested in team history, you can find out more on our team site:https://teambeluga.wordpress.com

This year, we are going to be playing on a Sunday D League (D for Domination). We will be playing at various fields at Lake Nokomis, with drinking locations before TBD. Most likely the darkest, shadiest bar we can find.

Our league starts on April 24th, and we play every other Sunday. On days that we play, we will be playing double headers. The first game will start at 5:00p and the second game will start at 6:00p or right after the first one finishes.

Just to be explicit, here are the dates we are playing:

So we play from April 24 to June 26, and then again on July 17. So we are talking about 6 Sundays of commitment, 5 within a 10 week span (so not a huge commitment). Cost of the league is going to be $50 per person, which is going to cover beer, t-shirts, and the actual cost of the league.

White Dynamite or myself will send update emails reminding everyone when we are playing, locations, or other recaps of the game as necessary. It should be self explanatory at this point. We run a pretty tight roster, so if you can’t commit to this schedule (except Stephanie, you have to play no matter what), let us know so we can find someone else who isn’t a coward.

Also, if you know anyone else that wants to randomly play, that’s cool too. If they wanna play on a regular basis, let us know and we could work it out.

In the mean time, please email me your t-shirt size ASAP. Assume a unisex style shirt in terms of fit, so something that shows off Nate’s awesome bod.

White Dynamite Lives On.

July 30, 2014

Belugas,

Well, it all comes down to this. Tonight, at 8pm, we play our last game against District 5, a team that is very beatable. We have had one hell of a season, putting on a show like no other. If someone would of said to me at the beginning of the season, “White Dynamite, you think those bitches can win 2 games,” I would of slapped them silly and thrown my big black piece at them (my handgun that is, always conceal and carry). But here we are today, looking back at how far we’ve come, feeling great. But tonight, we can cement our legacy as the greatest team of Belugas this league has seen. District 5 may beat us 10 times out of 10, but not tonight.

Tonights game will feature my sexy white thighs rocking jorts, which is now a required part of the team uniform. Comply or Paul will audit you like Amanda audits her bitches after a night of pimping.

For those of you that are interested, we will be meeting at the Cedar Inn before hand to enjoy some wings and brews. A little note to Mike, that we are at the Cedar Inn, not the Mexican place next door (old age does that to a person). Stop by sometime before 7pm to partake in the festivities. Tara has offered to buy everyone a shot, so long as we won’t tell Amanda or else she gets the lashings back home.

Enjoy your Wednesday Belugas, because tonight, we are at war.

White D.

P.S., Pat seriously don’t tell my family we have a game tonight you ass hole, I convinced them the season was over and they don’t know about this rescheduled game. Seriously, don’t be a dick…

July 23, 2014

Belugas,

We are coming into a critical stretch of the season. With 2 games to go, we are 1 game out of last place, meaning we need the other teams to all loose or we need to win at least one game. I am not much for motivating people, so we’ll just leave it at that.

Last week’s game against A-Bunch-Of-D-Bags went as expected… we had an ump who was clearly also a d-bag, the team cared too much, and we continued our record long streak of games with no runs scored and barely getting on base. Some might blame our lack of motivation, or even bigger lack of talent, but I think it’s because we basically play on a swamp, and that doesn’t jive well with us. With that being said, we did have some highlights from the game:

• No we actually did not

That being said, after the game was over, the team decided to put on a demonstration of skill that has yet to be seen in any game.

• Sommer showed that even though she skips every game, she can also hit every ball, slinging home runs from all angles of the plate
• Kelsey revealed a hidden pitching talent… before getting black out drunk and stabbing a homeless person
• I, White Dynamite, aka Black Fusion, sat on the bench and drank, which is what everyone expected
• Paul showed up and showed poor score keeping abilities, likely due to being too sober
• Some asshole keeps telling my family to come to games, whoever is doing that, stop. Pat, is that you? Seriously don’t be an ass hole, I try to hide this from them, it’s bad enough Kristen shows up
• Speaking of Kristen, I think Tracey stopped by last game, she just kept showing her “phone holder glove” to everyone

This week’s game is at 8:00pm tonight against Who Gives a Shit at the field that smells like poo. I expect a great turnout, for I will be drunk.

White Dynamite Out.

July 15th, 2014

Belugas,

Welcome back from a long deserved mid-season and All Star break. Unfortunately, no one from our team made the All Star team, but the City of Minneapolis did decide to enter our entire team into a treatment program for alcoholics. We consider this the true All Star team. There were some highlights from our short break:

• Amanda’s history of abduction and forced Guitar Hero watching finally caught up with her, as she was deported back to her native land of Mauritania, a small country on the coast of West Africa. Once she arrived, she was immediately made Dictator once they heard of her cruel and unusual methods of friendship. She has conquered 3 kingdoms in the last 2 weeks.
• Mike was originally named to the All Star team, but when he was forced to arrive at the field sober, the All Star committee discovered that not only did Mike not play well when sober, he did not even know he was on a softball team.
• Kristen, aka White Firecracker, continued to be the only Moline dedicated to athletics, simply by not sitting on the couch drinking for 3 days straight.
• During a Riverboat Gambling Tour, Caitlin (while taking a short break from 36 hours of blackjack) discovered a new passion for fishing. After selling both of Dan’s kidney’s to buy a boat, she was arrested 10 miles off the coast of Florida attempting to spear Cuban’s swimming to the US.

Now, to end with a few organization notes:

• First off, one of our cancelled games has been rescheduled, so we will be playing our last game on July 30th instead of July 27th. This gives Sommer one more week to skip another game, to meet her yearly quota of skipping “all but one game.”
• Next, we are sitting at around 4 games back of 1st place with 3 games to go. We are actually in 8th place out of 10 teams, which is on pace to our best finish ever! But you know what they say, “Beluga’s are a bunch of drunks, how do they even field a team.”
• Finally, we play tomorrow against some jackass team at 7:00pm. As of now, we are slated to play at our normal Nokomis field, which is good for us since our record on the NE field includes 0 wins (versus like a billion at Nokomis).

Until next time, I would like to remind all of you, that it isn’t how far you hit the ball, it’s how much you swear afterwards when you get called out swinging.

White D.

June 24, 2014

Belugas,

In case you haven’t heard, the opposing teams in our league were so intimidated by us, they flooded the fields we normally play on. The powers at be decided that they were not going to tolerate this, and have moved our field location until the old one dries out. Tomorrow, we have a game at 6pm against Pitchslapped at Northeast Athletic Field #2 (1500 Fillmore St NE, Mpls). Hopefully this is easier for some of you who are coming from downtown to make. Please let me know if you are unable to make it.

I am tall.

Nate Dynamite.

June 18, 2014

Belugas,

This week’s newsletter is brought to you by Bud Light reminding everyone, don’t let Pat pitch when the game is anywhere close to competitive. Seriously, terrible idea.

Last week, we came up against an equally weak District 5 team. Pat tried to take charge of the lineups with an excessive amount of people showing up (nice job everyone by the way), and without Paul to audit him, he failed miserably. There were other highlights that provided some comical moments:

– Steph returned from her short stint with the Beluga’s AAA affiliate in Oklahoma City. Within 5 minutes of being around the Beluga’s, she was threatening to move down for good.

– After spending the last week in prison for the kidnapping of Tara and Kelsey, Amanda returned to the scene of the crime, only to stab Mike in the thigh for suggesting she needed to slow down her drug use.

– Mike continued his season long streak of pitching pretty good and being kind of drunk, only to be taken out by Pat, who gave up like 50 runs.

– The Moline clan showed up to cheer on Kristen (aka White Firecracker), only to be disappointed to discover Nate was also on the team. After failing to hit 3 inside the park home runs, Nate’s father returned to the Sunrise Inn, only to take solace in Vern’s company.

– Caitlin, upset at Pat for making run of Dan’s car (pictured here), hired Sommer to murder Pat in his sleep. While Sommer was sneaking up with a knife, she became distracted by a piece of yarn, missing the game entirely.

In other news, our loyal drinker and score keeper is finishing up his last week at our Beluga training camp in Brazil, where he is practicing drinking, score keeping, and attending soccer games. It was reported that Paul was getting extremely frustrated during a game he was attending while holding a Xbox controller because “my f’cking X button won’t work, they aren’t crossing the ball”. A random person explained to Paul that he was not in control of actual players on the field, to which he responded “Or am I…” before getting arrested for the 8th time in 4 days.

This week’s game is at 8pm against District 5. The weather looks pretty bad, but as of right now we are on as scheduled, so unless you see an email later today, plan on playing! This is a very beatable team, and will serve as our redemption game.

White Dynamite Out.

Nate.

 

June 10, 2014

Belugas,

Can you believe it? Two games in a row we’ve played teams that give a shit. Just like the Twins, we are now due for a win (because that’s how sports works right?)

Last week provided some highlights, and some lowlights, but mostly some entertainment:

• Caitlin was propositioned by many people at the Sunrise Inn, only to discover that they were more interested in Dan’s Subaru than Caitlin.
• Kristen continued to show that she is adopted, by not being freakishly tall and refusing to yell “White Dynamite” everytime she touched the ball.
• Paul was not present at the game, which was only noticed because there were considerably more beers left over than most games we have seen before.
• Amanada kidnapped Kelsey and Tara, forcing them to attend a “concert” with her, which was really just her playing Guitar Hero in her dungeon basement.
• Sommer raged so hard before the game, she purposely locked her keys in her car so she wouldn’t have something to stab Mike with

This weeks game is at 6:00pm against District 5. We need to know if you can’t make this game since it is so early. This won’t stop Mike from pregaming at work.

I = Tall

Dynamite Out.

June 4, 2014

Belugas,

Welcome to this week’s edition of “Shit We Did at Last Week’s Game,” sponsored by Johnson & Johnson who has offered to sponsor us after numerous injuries through the first few games (thanks Dingg and Pat!)

Last week, we played a team that didn’t know we played in a non-competitive softball league, and it showed. They tried too hard, scored lots of runs, and in general didn’t look like they didn’t have any fun. On top of it, not one beer was spotted near their bench, a sign of true douchery. Additionally, it has been discovered that the city of Minneapolis fired all their umps from last year and replaced them with an organization called “Old Washed Out Guys Who Care Too Much.”

After a very hard fought game, the Belugas were handed their first loss of the season. Now some might attribute this to Mike not being drunk enough, Dan coming back from injury, or Josh retiring to live with animals in Bumbfuck, Texas, but regardless, we enjoyed some moments:
– Pat finally drew his first blood of the season sliding into home plate on a bullshit called out despite getting under the tag. The wound is still not healed and will be on full display during this weeks game
– Nate was forced to call his sister Kristin up from the minor leagues to play with our team. It was discovered that here abilities were somewhere between a moldy piece of bread and Kirby Puckett, so right in line with where a Beluga should be
– Dan confused the game of softball for soccer, and for most of the game, refused to catch any ball with his hands, instead letting it drop to the ground and playing it with his feet
– Caitlin, Bri, and Lynn were all sold into slavery by Amanda, who forced all of them to call in sick for various reasons. Although Bri and Lynn hinted at it by saying they had “Pre-Version” (aka, Perversion aka Amanda), Pat was unable to pick up on the clue
– Before the game, the crew made a stop at the Sunrise Inn, which instantly became Mike’s favorite bar…. he has not left since… seriously someone needs to tell him to shower
– At the same bar, Tracey attempted to order a turkey burger, to which Vern simply said “Get Out. Now.” Tracey, after working with inner city school kids, responded the only way she knew how, by stabbing Vern with a spoon she turned into a shank

This week we are up against One Hit Wonders at 9:00pm! We will be meeting at Mike’s second home, aka the Sunrise Inn at 7:00pm to enjoy some beers and possibly talk Vern into sponsoring our team. I have confidence that if we drink enough, we can turn this winning streak back on track and continue towards our league championship!

White Dynamite.

Nate

PS Take this poll

May 28, 2014

Belugas,

Last week, our undefeated season continued with a game cancellation! At this point, we are 4 games into the season, and have exactly 0 loses! (Don’t worry about technicalities) Despite the fact that our game was cancelled, we did gather together to celebrate in true Beluga fashion:

• Mike became black out drunk (again) and began knocking over everything on the table during a fit of rage once he saw that Doug Fister had a disastrous outing for the Nationals, despite pounding it hard inside for a solid 5 innings.
• Dan was hit on multiple times by various South Minneapolis lesbians once he arrived at the bar in his short hair cut, Keen shoes, and new Subaru.
• Paul and Pat challenged each other to a drink off, which concluded when Nate funneled every ounce of beer from their pitchers into his mouth. Nate was stabbed 3 times as a result.

In true Beluga fashion, despite being undefeated, we are still in last place among teams that are undefeated:

Our game tonight is at 8:00pm against Pitchslapped, which is obviously a play on words to what Amanda has been doing to her hoes. We will be meeting at the Sunrise Inn Bar (E 46th St and 34th Ave S) at 6:30pm to prepare and strategize for the game (i.e., drink). If you get lost, just drive around until there is no sunshine or happiness, and you have likely driven into the bar.

White Dynamite.

 

May 21, 2014: GAME CANCELLED

Belugas,

I have a completely horseshit announcement that is not a joke. Today’s game has been cancelled due to standing water on the field. Bullshit. Rumor has it that Secondhand Hounds shit their pants when they heard we were playing them, so they intentionally flooded the field. On a positive note, we are undefeated 4 weeks into the season and are tied for the league lead.

Pissed Dynamite.

Nate